you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize