i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
