i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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