Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
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