And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
