they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
