Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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