I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
