On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i now understand why vodka
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
