i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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