he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
