drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize