Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
