I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I've blown a few things in my day
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
