If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
