Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
