my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
