i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
