the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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