I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
