in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
