My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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