Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
