Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
