we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Your cock deserves a montage
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
