so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
