I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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