with your own penis?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
