it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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