I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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