I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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