i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
