I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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