You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
