you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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