Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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