shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
