so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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