i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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