Dual....:-)
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
