**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just invented taco cereal.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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