This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
