i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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