Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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