i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
