his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
