I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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