I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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