Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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