Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
