Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
