I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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