Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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