Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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