I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
