She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
